Travelin Monkey

Ciudad Vieja, translated into ‘Old Town,’ was the original city that used to be enclosed by huge walls. Today, only the gate remains into the old city. The area used to be ghetto, the slums, full of addicts and crooks, the typical image of a South American third world country downtown. But, about 5 years ago, the city began a project much like downtown Los Angeles. They started opening up resteraunts, bars, and clubs, enticing people to gather there at night, inevitably forcing the junkies, whores, and crooks out of the area.

It is very much safer today than it has ever been in my existence of knowing the area, but that still doesn’t mean one shouldn’t partake without caution. There is no point in leaving the house before 2 am. You won’t find too many people out, you probably won’t find too many places open either. But after 2 am, the place is bumping right up around 7 or 8 am!! That is when the REAL fun starts.

So, my cousins take us to Cuidad Vieja, we find one of the few places in Uruguay that serve beer that actually tastes good and after a couple of rounds, we decide to go out dancing. Like I had mentioned before, Latin America celebrates the 6th of January as the “3 Wise Men” day because it is believed that they set out to find Jesus on the 6th of Jan (and for those that wonder why we celebrate Dec 25 as Christmas, pick up The DaVinci Code). It was time to return to Almhoda Bar, a place I had visited last year to watch childhood friends of mine (The Snakes) perform live, except the show I found there in January had NOTHING to do with what I had seen last year in September.

There were 3 chip & dales and one hot blond all ready to strip down to nothingness. The 3 guys were dressed as the 3 wise men and the woman as the virgin mary. They all came out and did their show, I obviously turned my head for the men, and was greatly devistated when the woman just stuck around for very little. It was so not fair!

The women in the crowd where going WILD. The guys would pick them up, throw them on a chair, and give them lap dances as is expected. The difference? One girl asked for a curtain/cloth type of thing, the guy covered his package, and she began to suck him off! He grabbed her head and kept on shoving it in. I looked at my cousin and said “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE HOMMIE?” He looked at me and said “wow.. no idea!”

One of the other guys got a girl and started dry-69ing on the floor… the last guy got a girl, stripped down to a thong, lubbed up his chest, then rubbed her hands all over his chest, dropped them into his undies, and she started the reach around!!! When the shows where over, they all came out, and the women were going CRAZY. I felt disgusted at their reaction, made me lose all respect for these whores… they were all fighting with each other to grab their balls and stroke it a couple of times…

Wow.. i went home and wished to only have boys when I have my family….

And that was how I spent the 6th of January….

Me and my sister decided to go to a beach house in Punta Del Este for a couple of days until the 31st of December, when we decided it would be best to come back to Montevideo and go to the Old Harbour, the Mercado Del Puerto. A family friend had made reservations at a resteraunt, Don Tiburon, for noon on the 31st so we could enjoy a fantastic lunch before the mayhem ensued.

That area has a drink called Medio y Medio (half & half), made from wine (either white or red) and champagne, a perfect combination that leaves the drink not too sweet and not too bitter. We ordered come seafood appetizers that included octapus, mussles, baby shrimps, jumbo shrimps and a delicious onion salsa. For entree we got a big meat dish that included picanha (a brazilian cut of meat), entrana (a uruguayan cut of meat), pork, and chicken. All in all, we drank about 10 liters of this exotic champagne and ran up a $3,600 peso bill for 6 people. At a P$24:U$1 exchange rate, $600 pesos per person comes out to be about $25 dollars. Not too bad for a shiek area that day of a huge gathering.

It was time for our family friend to leave, so I walked him to his car. All the 15-35 year olds get hammered and start dancing Samba and Candomble. Naturally, there were about 500 or so people there, not including the live congo drummers. We get to his BMW and the dumbass lost his keys! OH SNAP! We tried retracing our steps, but nothing. We go back and make a phone call, then he tells me “We better stay by the car in case someone finds the keys and tries to take it.” Low and behold, we go to a resteraunt and find that a waiter had found the keys and the lucky son of a bitch was able to go home.

I go back and end up dropping another 4 bottles with my cousins, then we all went into the melee that was the streets. Dancing samba, starting congo lines, and just having the time of our lives. A couple of hours later, our drunk asses needed to make it back home. We walked who knows how many kilometers to find a taxi, no one remembers quit how we FOUND the taxi, but hey, home sweet home is where we made it to!

We got in and started with another bottle of strawberry flavored champagne, still throwing it all over each other and having a good time. I picked up 3 liters of beer and went to my cousin’s house where my godson was. I threw 1 liter of beer over my cousins head, another over my godson’s head, and the last we enjoyed. We ended up picking up 2 more liters of Medio y Medio and another of beer. By the end of the 2nd bottle of Medio y Medio I was knocked out on his hard wood floor. My godson got up on the bed and poured the beer straight down my throat.

That is the last that I remember about that night. 5 hours later I woke up in a shower under running cold water. I had passed out, I was still drunk as shit, and we needed to go to my cousin’s house to have New Years Dinner. Someone dressed me, dunno who, and I can’t really tell you what I had for dinner that night. All I know is that midnight practically came and went, and that around 2 am my inebriation was finally coming to an end. We tried to look for somewhere to go dancing at, but by 4 am, we were all back home snoring in sweet sweet slumberland.

The flight was OK at best. I think I ruined a ton of people’s vacations. I had gone partying in Hollywood and got really sick, fever, sniffles, you name it. Flying while sick is horrible, but, I had bulk head the entire way. The connection from IAD to EZE was horrid too. I have no idea why they made me get off the plane at gate 2, walk all the way around to gate 10, go through a security check point, then go all the way back to gate 2, do a personal pat down and had all my carry-ons thoroughly searched through. It’s funny how they take things more seriously than the US.

A 45 minute flight later, I landed in Uruguay, Carrasco International, and had my family friends waiting for me. I must admit, I was a tad scared. Tradition in Uruguay calls for the egging, flouring, and destroying of a person who finished post-grad. This trip was mainly to visit my family and celebrate with them, and I was hoping, knowing how they are, that I wouldn’t eat a couple of eggs in the middle of the airport.

I walk out and there they were. Good, no eggs! But, as we walked towards the car, the woman took out a liter of crappy alcoholic cider and bathed me in it! I went to their house to wait for my sister and mother before going to visit other family members, and like an idiot, fell into their trap. The husband told me not to use the door inside the house to get to the garage, and that it was so hot that I should come out without a shirt on, and like a moron I listened. I walked outside and ate about half a dozen eggs. They emptied a full bag of flour and a couple of cartons of tomato juice all over me.

And that was how I landed in Uruguay.

This is going to be a fun trip. I already have a 5 day excursion to Buenos Aires planned out, a car, a house on the beach in Punta del Este, and a ridiculous party Dec 31 at Mercado del Puerto!

YAY FOR ME!

I have exhausted my UA miles for my next trip. 80,000 miles were used to snag a ticket to Uruguay, South America for December. Most of my family lives there and they have some summer beach houses in Punta Del Este (where all the hot argentinean & brasilian women go for the summer!), so there won’t be any crazy hostel stories, but we’ll see what I can come up with!